For the first time again...

I listen to Christian music all the time in the car.  I like most of the songs...not because they speak to me...it's just good music.  Lately, I sing them out loud...really loud.  I kindof hope that if I just say the words enough, say them loud enough...they'll ring true again. 

I've heard lots of songs that I can relate to..."I will praise you in this storm, I will lift my hands, you are who you are, no matter where I am, and every tear I've cried, you've held in your hands, and though my heart is torn I will praise you in this storm"..."Can you hear me?  Am I getting through tonight?  Can you see him?  Can you make him feel alright?  If you can hear me let me take his place somehow.  See he's not just anyone, he's my son"..."Blessed be your name in the land that is plentiful, where your streams of abundance flow, blessed be your name.  Blessed be your name on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering, blessed be your name.  And every blessing you pour out I'll turn back to praise.  And when the darkness closes in Lord, still I will say, blessed be the name of the Lord." 

But no song has touched my heart like the one I heard for the first time this evening.  It almost perfectly defines the current state of my heart.  I am sad.  I miss my Wesley.  The birth of my nephew has brought a fresh wave of grief as I am reminded of all that I have lost.  I didn't just lose my son.  I lost a part of myself.  The part that could've embraced this new life with nothing but pure joy and celebration.  The part of me that could hold a baby in my arms without holding grief in my heart.  I miss that part of me.  These two losses now play a role in defining who I am.  They cannot be regained.  Now it's just about learning to live with the new normal.  There is one loss, however, that I believe I can get back.  And I desperately want it back.  I miss my Jesus.  He's here, I'm sure.  My head can tell me that much.  It's my heart that's having trouble finding Him again.

For the First Time Again
Jason Gray

I'm tired of the sound of my own voice.
I'm weary of adding to the noise.
I'm fearful of missing the point of it all.
I remember the way you used to be.
The way this love felt like the first day of spring.
I want that back more than anything in the world.
It's as cold as winter in my veins. But, I long to feel the summer rain.
Can you take me back to where it all began?

Jesus I come.
I come to you again.
Like it was the first time I came to you for new life.
I need you now as much as I did then.
I need a new beginning.
So, Jesus I am coming for the first time again.

I'm jaded from all that I have seen.
I'm bitter, but I don't wanna be.
I'm believing.
Can you help my unbelief?
Sometimes I think I know too much.
But, even then it's not enough.
Can you take me back so I can move ahead?

Jesus I come.
I come to you again.
Like it was the first time I came to you for new life.
I need you now as much as I did then.
I need a new beginning.
So, Jesus I am coming for the first time again.
For the first time again.

Take me deep inside the grace that forgets instead of down the well-worn path of my regrets.
I'm older than I've ever been can you take me back can you make me new again?
I need you now as much as I did then.

Jesus I come.
I come to you again.
Like it was the first time I came to you for new life.
I need you now as much as I did then. I need a new beginning.
Jesus I am coming for the first time again.
For the first time again.
For the first time...

Last night C came out of my room carrying my book When God Doesn't Make Sense.  "What's it say Mommy?"  "It's about trusting God even when bad things happen."  "Oh, that's what we do?"  Yes, buddy, that's what we do.  I hope one day soon I find it to be just as simple as that.