A birthday

Our story is one that deserves to be told...and today, on Wesley's first birthday, I'm ready to share...some of it.  Because there are still parts of this story that belong only to us...they are deep and painful...and I am not willing to reopen those wounds...not today...

November 15, 2008...the day I found out I was pregnant.  Hubby had gone out to grab us lunch and I took the test while he was gone.  I came out of the bathroom and swooped C up telling him, "You're gonna be a big brother!!!" 

Mommy and C at the Bass Pro Shop the morning we found out our family was growing.

Hubby came back with Stamps, our favorite burger place down in Mississippi. He was so excited because he loved that place and we rarely made it over there. He said something like, "Mmm, Stamps, it's a good day." And I told him I had something that would make the day even better..."I'm pregnant!" We hugged and laughed and maybe even cried a little bit as together we swooped C up and told him that he was going to be a big brother. I realized that I still had not filled out the 'letter from mommy' section in C's baby book and figured today was a good day to do it...

C,

Today I found out I'm going to have another baby.  I am excited for you to be a big brother.  But, I'm also sad that you will no longer be "my only."  The past 1 1/2 years have been hard for us with your Daddy gone so much.  But, we have become best buds!  I love all the time I am able to spend with you and I will always cherish these early years when it was just you and me.  You are such a sweet-natured little boy.  You have a sensitivity that I pray you hold onto as you grow.  You are fiercely independent and have a stubborn streak wider than mine and your Daddy's combined!  And I love that about you, that you are not afraid to try new things.  My greatest prayer for you is that you will know and respond to the love of Christ by giving Him your life.  He loves you even more than I do.  And I do love you.  You are my firstborn, my joy, my Bubby.

Love always,
Mama

December 5, 2008...my bleeding has begun.  On this day I went for a sonogram to check on baby.  Baby is so, so tiny and has a strong little heartbeat.  I was told I have a subamniotic bleed and that there was a 50/50 chance that I would miscarry.

December 22, 2008...the first time that we heard our baby's heartbeat together.

January 18, 2009...I made it through the first trimester!  This was huge for us since our risk of miscarriage dropped significantly with this milestone.  My bleeding continues, increasing in intensity.  Each time we check on baby he/she looks great.  Strong little heartbeat...my belly is growing bigger...so is our hope.

February 16, 2009...the day we found out we were having a boy!!!  We were ecstatic!  We celebrated with a hamburger (I'm anemic...my doctor told me to up my iron intake)

March 1, 2009...contractions begin and my bleeding is so severe that we call our doctor's 24-hour emergency line.  The on-call doctor tells us to come in.  She is concerned about the amount of blood I'm losing, particularly since I am anemic.  I am admitted to a room on the labor and delivery floor.  The on-call doctor tells me that my placenta is tearing away.

March 2, 2009...I see my regular doctor.  She is concerned with my hemoglobin levels..I'm given my first blood transfusion.  A perinatologist tells us that my water has broken...just before the critical time in which babies use the amniotic fluid to develop their lung function.  Little to no hope is offered...we are devastated.  I tell hubby I want to give our son a name now...Wesley Michael.

March 6, 2009...we are released from the hospital with instructions to call if I spike a fever or my bleeding resumes.  Back at home, I read books to C on the couch.  As he sits on my lap, Wesley kicks!  The first and only time I ever felt him.

The last picture of me while I was pregnant...on the day I felt Wesley move.

March 9, 2009...as I am laying down with C for his nap the bleeding begins again.  This time we are prepared with our bags already packed.  Hubby's mom comes to stay with C and we head to the hospital again.

March 11, 2009...I receive my second blood transfusion.

March 12, 2009...I receive my third blood transfusion and that night I am wheeled out of labor and delivery with empty arms.  At home, we watch our precious firstborn sleep and begin living with the reality that has become our 'new normal.'

Summer 2009...I finally have the courage to sit down and fill out the 'letter from mommy' section in Wesley's baby book...

Wesley,

I have been trying to find the right words for this letter for awhile now.  I decided to just start writing...because really, there are no right words.  If there is only one thing you take away from this I hope it is the knowledge of how very loved you are.  I love you Wesley.  And I miss you everyday.  I think God can be glorified through even the worst of situations.  But, I will never, no matter what happens, be glad or thankful that we lost you.  I would rather have you here with me than anything I gain from going through this.  You are loved.  You were loved from the very moment I found out I was pregnant.  We were so excited!  We always, always wanted you.  I hope you know that.  Every time I started to bleed again I would be so scared that I was losing you.  And eventually I thought that if I didn't let myself get attached to the baby growing inside me that it would be easier to handle if you didn't make it.  How very, very wrong I was.  What I wouldn't give to have those five months back and to love you better than I did.  I am so sorry for all the times I should've rubbed my hands across my growing belly, or read a book to you, or talked to you, or really, truly cherished my pregnancy rather than let fear keep me from doing so...I hope that all you have ever known is love...that you went from the comfort of my womb to the comfort of Jesus' arms.  I believe absolutely that you are at peace in heaven.  That fact offers a little peace.  But, peace occupies a much smaller portion of my heart than sadness does.  I hope one day that will not be the case and that the fullness of joy will return.  Although I hope the sadness fades, I want your memory to last forever.  You will always be my baby.  I pray that you will return my embrace when I join you in heaven.  To see your face and hear your voice, and hold you in my arms...finally.  I will be whole again.

Love always,
Mommy

March 12, 2009...Wesley's letter still so perfectly defines how I feel.  There is so much sadness in it...it tears at my heart each time I pull it out to read.  Yet, it is laced with hope...albeit small...but there it is...just waiting to burst forth from behind the clouds of grief.  Just like the sun today.  It was raining when C and I stood at Wesley's grave and sang happy birthday.  We released one balloon for Wesley's first birthday.  And as I watched it "goin' up to heaven" I couldn't see the sun.  There was too much "stuff" blocking it out.  But, still, I knew it was there, and that one day, soon, I will feel it's warmth again.