I said once after losing Wesley that it "shattered my faith." It's true. It very literally ripped apart everything I had believed. When I was ready to start putting it back together, I didn't want it all back. Maybe I never will. But, the pieces I decided to pick back up...I think they're the ones that matter. 
And now, two years later, here's what I know to be true.
God is God.
Profound, isn't it?
And neither my lot in life or the way I feel about it will have any affect on that.
God is still God.
Faith is about making the right choice, not about having the right feelings
God is God.
Regardless of how I feel about Him.
God is still God.
God is God.
And nothing can erase what He did for me on that cross.
God is still God.
I also said once that
'Choosing to follow Christ after He has chosen not to grant you your miracle....is often a much greater miracle.'
True story.
That girl, the one with the shattered faith.
The one with the bitterness in her heart.
The one who found it hard to give love to her God, her family, her friends...
...that girl wouldn't even recognize me now.
Because today, I'm different.
I still got choked up when I explained to C that his baby brother was turning two, but he was having his party in heaven so we should send his balloons up to the sky. And you better believe there were tears as I thought about everything that I'm missing while we sang happy birthday. But, this year...this year I smiled. Even laughed. Instead of longing over what my life should have been...I celebrated what Wesley's life was. Because somewhere along the way...I decided that I wanted to let God be glorified through my situation.
I think it's working.
On Wesley's first birthday, after releasing his birthday balloon, I wrote this, "I couldn't see the sun.
But, still, I knew it was there, and that one day, soon, I will feel it's warmth again."
Baby, the sun is shining.
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