Moments I'll remember

Don't be mad if I cry

It just hurts so bad sometimes

Because everyday it's sinking in

And I have to say goodbye all over again

You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world off your shoulders now

I'm dreaming of the day when I'm finally there with you

Save a place for me...save a place for me

I'll be there soon...I'll be there soon

Save a place for me...save some grace for me

I'll be there soon

I'll be there soon

I have asked the questions why

But I guess the answer's for another time

So instead I'll pray with every tear

And be thankful for the time I had you here

Save a place for me...save a place for me

I'll be there soon...I'll be there soon

Save a place for me...save some grace for me

I'll be there soon

I'll be there soon

One year ago, I stood in a cemetary and listenend to the the soft sounds of a guitar and these words blow around me with the wind. 

I squinted into the sun and tried my hardest to get my heart to agree with the words my pastor spoke.

I wrapped myself in a brightly colored afghan and sank into my husband's arms. 

One year ago, I watched my husband place a tiny urn into the ground. 

Blue. 

The color I imagine his eyes would have been.

One year ago, I buried my baby.

The moment was surreal.  One I never imagined.  One I will remember forever.

Because the pain of that moment has seared me.  Forming a scar that my heart will always catch on when I look back at my life.

Tonight my precious firstborn fell asleep in my arms.  My son, who has been more boy than baby for quite some time now asked me to hold him, rub his back, "stay for just one more minute."  He draped his arm across me and his head rested in the crook of my neck, where I was surprised that it still fit.  I kissed his hair, and rubbed his back, and as his breathing deepened and he became heavy with sleep, I prayed. 

Thank you Lord for this moment.

Thank you for this child.

Thank you for this love.

I don't want my heartache to define my life. 

I want to be branded by moments like this one. 

So that when I look back at my life, I am not just stopped by the scars.  But, I'm able to linger over memories like this, dog eared like a page in a favorite book.  A book I couldn't put down the first time...and was just as good the next.