Waiting is hard

We are still waiting.  The most recent update from our agency regarding the EP situation states that it's been indicated that the ministry will begin accepting emigration permission submissions shortly, but a timeframe for doing so has not been specified.  They share in our frustration and wish they had more specific timeframes to share with us.  Each new week begins with renewed hope that this will be the week.  And it is more of the same.  More waiting.  I haven't really expressed how I'm feeling about all this...because really, there is nothing I can do about it.  I am helpless to change this situation.  So what will venting about it accomplish?  Nothing.  But, my heart is heavy tonight.  And one day I will maybe want to remember this night.  This feeling.  This pit.  One day I may want to look down from my mountain top and remember what it felt like to be in this valley so low.  I will want to remember so that I do not forget the One who brought me up.

This is so hard. I hate this. I hate it for C.  My kind-hearted little social butterfly who is ready to share his life with a sibling.  A child who when he overhears his parents talking about having 3 maybe 4 kids says things like "I think maybe 9 or 10.  Yep, that'd be good."  Five and a half years old and still waiting for his chance to be a big brother. Asking me questions like, "Mom, will I still be five when William comes home? Or will I be six already?"

 

 

I hate it for my husband. That he probably won't be around to welcome William into our family. That he will miss the opportunity to experience our son's birth country. That he cannot personally express his gratitude to the family that has been raising our child for the past year and a half.  That this huge moment in our lives will not be one that we share.  How hard it is going to be to come home to a two and a half year old who doesn't know him, doesn't trust him, and maybe doesn't want anything to do with him.

 

 

I hate the uncertainty of this. I'm scared. I'm scared of losing this child that we so desperately want. I hate the dark places that thinking about all these unknowns can take my heart. To a place where I want to start doubting God's goodness. Because is there any possible "good" reason for this?? I so want to be able to praise him in the midst of this.  I know in my head every truth about God, but right now my heart, instead of proclaiming the truth, is silent.

 

 

I am just breaking.  And I will tell you.  There is nothing like being completely broken to make you humbly acknowledge your absolute need for a Savior.

So, that's where I'm at right now.  Not the greatest place.  But, I serve the greatest God!  I told our pastor in an email recently we know that God is bigger than all this mess and we are clinging to that.  I will continue to do so.  His word tells me that...weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning.  I do believe that we will, in time, see the dawn.