Crazy Love

I remember talking with a friend not long after C's birth.  Telling him that having a child of my own had brought with it a whole new perspective on God's love.  I had so much love for this little baby that it was just bubbling up and over (all over...including down my face in the form of tears very often just from looking at his sweet face).  Once you experience that kind of love for your own child, I think you get a little closer to knowing what God's love for his children is really like.  I told this friend that I was floored by the fact that God actually loved me more than I loved C.  That, to me, was crazy.

This Christmas season, I have slowly been gaining yet another new perspective on God's love.  I have always known the Christmas story.  The immaculate conception, the journey to Bethlehem, the birth of Christ, the shepherds, the wise men...and I've always known that the essence of that story is this..."For God so loved the world, that he have his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." 

But, this year, it is really sinking in.  It is with a heavy heart that I celebrate Christmas this year.  My eyes have welled up with tears on more than one occasion...as I stuff the stockings and wish there were one more, as I think about the joy with which my sister's family is celebrating her baby boy's first Christmas, and honestly, as I write this post...I am still just so sad...my heart aches with the loss of my baby boy.  Anyone who has lost a child, no matter how much time they spent on earth with you, has felt just how heavy empty arms can be. 

It is this reality that is bringing about my new thought process when it comes to "the reason for the season."  I wanted Wesley with me...and yet God...willingly sent his son to earth as a baby so he could grow into a man and then die...to save my life.  His only son.  C is very often like breath to me...I can't imagine having lost the only child I have.  How did he do it?  How could he have sent his son, his only son...for someone like me?  Someone like you?  Each and every someone who may or may not even accept his radical gift.  Can you imagine the heartache?  And I think I know what sadness feels like.  God, I don't understand why you did this...to me, it's just crazy...it's just crazy love...that you have an abundance of for me...and I have too little of for others...it's crazy love that has saved me...over and over again...it's crazy love that this Christmas is my greatest gift.