We have definitely had a much easier transition than I anticipated. But, I kept thinking it was all too good to be true. I will say that I still think things are going way better than they could be, but this past week has been a tough one. I broke my ankle now over 2 months ago and it is still giving me trouble. More trouble than the ortho doc thinks is normal with a normal fracture. So, after my follow-up appointment with him last week (I took lil' peanut with me) he said he wanted to get an MRI. Well, that's obviously not the kind of appointment you can bring your toddler along to. My folks were going to be back in town and were able to stay through Monday so I decided to get the dumb thing done while they would be here to watch the boys. I knew it was too soon to be leaving my new son with anyone. But, I honestly don't really have anyone else that I would feel comfortable leaving them both with...even a month or so down the road (at least not anyone that is available during the day) It was early, too early, but who do you trust more than your own parents?
He was fine while they were at our place. My mom said he went and stood by the door a few times, but other than that he played happily. I was gone for about two hours and when I got home I came around the corner and he was sitting on the couch. "Hey buddy!" I got the slightest hint of a smile and then all hell broke loose. Ok, not that bad, but bad. He cried and cried. He screamed at me, didn't want me to touch him or talk to him, hit and spit. It was just awful. I won't even go into the guilt I had (still have) over it because I made the decision and it's over and I'm just trying to move forward from here.
Anyway, things have been rough. We had planned to go to lunch with my folks when I got home that day, but that obviously wasn't happening. They graciously offered to take C out. I did get lil' peanut down for a nap but when he woke up it was more of the same. That behavior continued until we went to C's swim lesson that evening where the distraction of a new place provided a reprieve. Things have gradually improved over the past few days. The hitting and spitting have disappeared but he is still screaming some. After his nap yesterday he woke up crying. He calmed down when I went in and got him from his crib but would have nothing to do with being put down. He would become hysterical if I even leaned over like I was going to set him down. I have pulled out of some things and tried to keep his world as small as possible this week. I told hubby that I just felt sick over the thought that all the work we had done toward attaching was thrown out the window in that two hours that I was gone. He told me (and I know he was just trying to be nice) that I had to leave him at some point and how do I know that the same thing wouldn't have happened months from now? I don't know that. And part of me does think that this was all brewing under the surface anyway. (a very small part of me that doesn't think I royally screwed up!) This little guy has been so brave and soooo easy going it's been a little hard to believe. I think that he may finally be letting himself truly grieve. Up until now he hadn't shown any negative feelings toward me at all. Hello?! I took him away from his umma and his family and his life. Shouldn't he be a little pissed off? He certainly has the right to be. And I'm sure he is scared. The last time he waved goodbye to his umma was the. last. time. I'm your mama forever baby. I'm sorry that I left you, but what hubby said was "Now he knows that you'll always come back." I don't plan to leave him for a good, long while...but maybe this is something that will happen any time I am gone for awhile. And that's ok. There's no amount of work I won't do to earn your trust buddy.
Today was actually a very good day. For both boys, I think. The sibling dynamic continues to be a tricky one. That first week lil' peanut was super tolerant and didn't put up a fuss about anything C did. Well, he's sick and tired of being treated like a toy (I'm sick of that for him!) and he's starting to fight back. C gets all up in his face, he hits C, C retaliates...and repeat. ;) When they are having fun together they have so much fun together. And it is just so heartwarming! But, other times their relationship is a work in progress.
One funny story about this. Last week I busted out our old pac-n-play and set it up in the corner of the living room. C was immediately curious, "What's that for?" "Well, this is where your brother is going to go after he hits you." (I want to discourage the hitting but we're still trying to bond so I was trying to think of something that would be a consequence without isolating the kiddo) "I want to get in it!" Ok then. "Oh, if you hit him you do have to go in there." So, he immediately runs over to lil' peanut and starts provoking him. Oh, awesome. He actually does want to get in it. And he wasn't the only one. This little guy thought it was hilarious. He would just laugh when I sat him down in it and when I got him back out he would run straight over to C and hit him then turn to me with a big ol' smile on his face like "Are you gonna put me back in there again? Yay!" Mommy fail. ;)
While he is starting to stick up for himself, he still tolerates an incredible amount of pestering/love (there is lots of love too!) from his big brother. I told my mom, "How could you not spoil me? How could anyone not spoil their youngest child. Look what they go through!" :) He really does adore C. He is a later riser than his big brother so when I bring him downstairs I will lean him over the stairwell so he can see C downstairs and his face just lights up.
He has gotten a bit pickier at the table. But, I do think that is due, in part, to our setback on Monday. A few times I have sat him in his seat and gone to give him a bite and he will scream at me and refuse to eat and try to get down. So, I'll give him a minute and then try again and he scarfs it down. Yogurt is a huge favorite and he eats it every day. I haven't found a flavor he doesn't like yet. He also loves his fruit-peaches, pears, strawberries, grapes and apples. But applesauce makes him gag. I found this out trying to firm up his stool last week. He had a bad case of um, the rumbly tummy? The second day in I was pretty sure it was the whole milk in his bottles at nap and bedtime. His reports said that he did drink milk but I'm pretty sure I didn't make a gradual enough switch. So, I switched to a sensitive formula for his bottles and cut out his fruit for a few days and problem solved.
He went on his first bike ride (in the trailer) a few days ago. With C riding without training wheels now I can't keep up with him just walking. So, we've gone on a few family bike rides. He doesn't seem to mind riding in the trailer (or wearing a helmet) he just sits back there and chills. He really is my easy going baby.
I have finally mastered the tear-free method of washing his hair. Yay!
He started saying "hi" today. So, he's got two english words under his belt now.
He continues to ask me what everything is. I feel super inadequate when he's looking at me like "Come on lady show me the sign so I can communicate with you!" Ha! I don't know the sign for everything. :) He is picking up signs so fast. He now signs for help, more, drink, eat, nigh-night, train, ball, music, car, bird, cat, fan, light, brush teeth, bath time, all gone, down, gentle (he looks at me and does this one after he hits C. Every time) ;) hear (he does this every time he hears an airplane. We live close to the airport so they fly over a lot. And he always hears them. Good hearing this child has.) and he also signs for diaper change. He had only repeated this one after me but today I was loading the dishwasher and he walked up to me and signed "diaper change" and sure enough he had filled his britches. Maybe potty training this one will be a breeze? (one can hope) :) C had me look up the signs for "I'm sorry" and "I forgive you" today. To be used in the communication between the two of them I'm sure. ;) I also want to start showing him "stop" and "I don't like it." The greater challenge will probably be making sure C responds to them so lil' peanut doesn't have to resort to throwing punches.
Can't believe we are one month home already. I used to drip with jealousy reading one month home posts while we waited. I think of all the waiting mamas often. I know their pain and my heart goes out to them. One day it will be your turn. And you will marvel at how you ever made it through that wait and at the fact that your baby is finally home and yours forever. And it will be amazing. Promise.
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