I didn't get around to writing at three months home...hubby had just gotten back! So, I was a little preoccupied! Speaking of hubby, he has been home for three weeks now. And boy has it spoiled me. C was home sick from school Thursday and Friday and it was drill weekend which meant I had four days in a row just me and the boys. Can't believe it only took three weeks for me to forget how exhausting that is. Wow, I cannot say enough how thankful I am that my husband was able to come home earlier than expected.
The change in C since Daddy came back home has been kind of astonishing. I was trying really hard not to think that my husband returning would be the "cure all" that we needed for some of the things we'd been struggling with at home. I tried to be realistic and think that everything would still be just as hard, but I wouldn't be alone in it. Well, not that the man needs it, but I'm about to boost his ego because good grief he was what that boy needed. I feel like I have my child back. And it really did happen instantly. There is still a long road ahead of us on some things (particularly that sibling relationship) but boy does dad make a difference.
Having dad home seems to have made a big difference in both the boys.. Unfortunately, the difference in lil' peanut hasn't been as positive. I think a lot of it is that having this dad guy waltz into his life after three months of what he thought was his "new normal" has really rocked the boat. And apparently I am the boat's captain because he has been taking his feelings about it all out on me. It's similar to what happened when he experienced a change in environment/routine when we went back to KS. He sailed through the change for about a week or two and then decided he wasn't exactly supportive. Week one with daddy home was pretty smooth but since then it's been rough.
Not for daddy (of course!). Pshh! You can guess how I feel about that. ;) He is super compliant with dad. He doesn't fight him on anything and just pleasantly goes along with whatever when dad is in charge. Not the case when he's alone with me. It could be that hubby is still new so lil' peanut is on his best behavior around him, where as he is comfortable enough with me now to show his true self without fear of rejection. I get defiance at every turn. Mealtimes, diaper changing, brushing teeth, etc. It's very hard to distinguish between typical toddler behavior and adoption/attachment related issues. Because I do think a lot of it has to do with that. I think he is testing me. I read another adoptive parent's words about this saying "Our kids are testing the boundaries of our love for them. They will act out in any way they can, as if to say, will you still love me if I do this? What about this and THIS?!?" Yep, there's been a lot of that going on. And while I definitely do love this child...those warm fuzzy feelings are sometimes hard to muster after, say, this tiny person in your life headbutts you in the face so hard he busts your lip. I was trying to explain to my husband why I thought I was feeling a little disdain toward him. Toddlers are crazy! I know that...my last two year old convinced me that they've all got to be bipolar! ;) So, it's not having toys thrown at me, or getting hit/bit that is too hard for me. It's the fact that I don't have much else to go on here. With C, I had stores of pleasant/loving moments to recall when he acted like that. All those baby days before they learn to make your blood boil develop a real will of their own. While I'm not a first time parent, there is a huge learning curve with forging a relationship with a child on the tumultuous soil that is toddlerhood!
Maybe part of it is that this new person has shown up and the last time new people showed up he left his family. Is he scared that hubby is going to take him away from me? The day we picked my husband up from the airport and he got in the car, lil' peanut looked very scared. His little eyes started to pool with tears while I reassured him that everything was ok. Then when we stopped by the gas station on the way home and hubby ran inside, I got out to pump the gas and walked around the back of the car instead of the front. When lil' peanut lost sight of me he became hysterical.
If I am not around, hubby can put him to bed no problem. But, the time we were both standing outside his door and lil' peanut saw me hand the bottle to hubby he bolted into my arms and clung to me crying. He is also showing some signs of jealousy. Particularly when he sees hubby and I hugging. He will just start raging. Throwing himself on the floor, hitting whatever is nearby, etc. He has also recently started getting jealous when I show C attention. He gets very upset if I show affection toward C in front of him. I do think that is probably a positive sign because it is his way of saying "that's my mom."
After sleeping great for a good while, he is now fighting going to sleep and beginning to wake in the middle of the night crying again. I read (I'm now on some Korea adoption facebook pages so I am getting lots of different perspectives) someone saying that in their experience their child's grief comes in swells. So, it wasn't uncommon for things to be going well and then for it to change. And yes, my child is still grieving. When taking a step back and looking at it, I think a lot of his recent acting out is, in fact, related to grief. He experienced a huge loss. And his little heart hasn't recovered. And I'm sure he's pretty angry about that. If in his shoes, I'd probably be throwing a few trains myself.
I feel like this post is kind of rambly, and a little bit of a downer. But, that's where we've been at. I particularly like to read the blogs of adoptive families who don't wear rose colored glasses. I like to know what it's
really like. So, that's some of our reality. Now, onto the good stuff. Because, in reality, there is a lot of that too!!! And honestly, just the past two days since I started this post it feels like he is settling more and the really intense fits are happening less often.
* Lil' peanut loves, loves, LOVES cars and trains. That is basically what he plays with all day long. He lays down on the floor and drives them around just like C used to do. He makes a choochoo sound now (so cute!) and he can say car. So, we hear that a lot! Especially when we are out and about.
* He has added a few new animal sounds to his repertoire...moo, neigh, and ribbit being some favorites.
* He is constantly pointing at hubby and asking "Dada?" Maybe trying to figure that whole thing out. He also gets excited when he sees him and has even started to put together the fact that sometimes when we get in the car we are going to pick up daddy. When I'm buckling him in he will sign car and then ask "Dada?"
* He still loves to be outside. I really wish my ankle wasn't messed up because we could be enjoying some long walks if it wasn't. He still gets so excited to ride in the stroller and doesn't seem to mind that I can only make it around the block once or twice.
* We just revamped our bedtime/naptime routine. Now I rock him while he drinks his bottle and for as long as he lets me until getting restless before I lay him down. We've only been doing it that way for a few days but I already feel like it's helping us both in the bonding department. It's wonderful to be able to take the time for something like that now that hubby is home and I'm not in a rush to get both boys to bed by myself. It was just last night actually after I had been staring into his gorgeous brown eyes and singing to him that I told hubby I want another baby with eyes like that. :)
* He still loves music. We have had some pretty fun dance parties in the car when it's just he and I. :)
* He continues to eat like a champ. Most everything we serve...and most of the time! He will seriously finish a meal and thirty minutes later be signing for food.
* Things he says: uh-oh, oh no, stop that, hi, bye, thank you, alright, shoes, dada, nana, papa, umma, car, bird, choochoo, stinky, yuck yuck, ow, tractor. His newest and currently cutest word-whoah! It's so funny. He did it the other night when we drove around looking for Halloween decorations. When we saw some orange twinkle lights he exclaimed "whoah!" Just wait 'til Christmas buddy! He also says it a lot in the car, whenever we hit a bump or make a turn. He also does a fake laugh when he hears other people laughing and will say haha.
* Things he signs: all done, down, up, no, yes, plane, car, bird, dog, cat, lion, elephant, monkey, giraffe, frog, mouse, snake, flowers, ball, baby, night night, eat, drink, milk, music, hot, hurt, stop, hat, gentle, train, brush teeth, diaper change, help...there are probably more but that's all I can think of right now!
* He can point out his eyes, nose, teeth, tongue, ears, and hair.
* Right after I joined those new facebook groups I wrote a post trying to find lil' peanut's friend from Korea. When we were looking through pictures with his foster mom she pointed out his "little girlfriend" and said that he had been missing her since she had gone home. Our social worker had been her social worker too, so I asked her for the little girl's information. The next day all she gave me was the little girl's Korean name. So, that's what I posted in the facebook group. Her name. The next day I had a comment from a woman saying "She is our daughter!" Amazing! I am so glad we have connected! She said that she recognized our foster mom as her daughter's "second mom" and that she was there to say goodbye the day they took custody of their daughter. A ton of our pictures are of the two of them so they obviously spent a lot of time together...many playdates! :) It's just a really neat thing to have this connection to our son's life in Korea. To maintain a relationship with his first friend....that's just priceless! (Just had to share that!)
Our little boy is growing and changing each day. And even when it's rough, I feel humbled and blessed to be his mama.
