Through and through

I love you through and through.

I love your top side.

I love your bottom side.

I love your inside and outside.

I love your happy side,

your sad side,

your silly side,

your mad side.

I love your fingers and toes,

your ears and nose.

I love your hair and eyes,

your giggles

and cries.

I love you running and walking,

silent and talking.

I love you through and through...

yesterday, today, and tomorrow, too.

I've seen a lot of this lately

And although it is certainly easier to like him when he's acting more like this

I love him through and through!

Boo at the Zoo

We got into the Halloween spirit early at the zoo's, Boo at the Zoo, event.  Lots of fun was had by all, the only complaints came from Daddy (that they could've used more trick-or-treating stations) and from C (when he lost his snake somewhere between the sea lion show and the end of our hayride...we made a special trip to the gift shop on our way out and I'm pretty sure he forgot all about that measly little rubber snake.)

Here's our little soldier ready to go!

He looks happy, doesn't he?  That's because we finally agreed that even though you are wearing a soldier costume, "Yes, C you are a snake."

Where's the candy?!?

Not that he would actually put any of it in his bucket...that was saved for his new acorn collection.

Watching the sea lion show!

On the hayride...he's working on a tootsie roll...in case you were wondering.

What rubber snake?

For the first time again...

I listen to Christian music all the time in the car.  I like most of the songs...not because they speak to me...it's just good music.  Lately, I sing them out loud...really loud.  I kindof hope that if I just say the words enough, say them loud enough...they'll ring true again. 

I've heard lots of songs that I can relate to..."I will praise you in this storm, I will lift my hands, you are who you are, no matter where I am, and every tear I've cried, you've held in your hands, and though my heart is torn I will praise you in this storm"..."Can you hear me?  Am I getting through tonight?  Can you see him?  Can you make him feel alright?  If you can hear me let me take his place somehow.  See he's not just anyone, he's my son"..."Blessed be your name in the land that is plentiful, where your streams of abundance flow, blessed be your name.  Blessed be your name on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering, blessed be your name.  And every blessing you pour out I'll turn back to praise.  And when the darkness closes in Lord, still I will say, blessed be the name of the Lord." 

But no song has touched my heart like the one I heard for the first time this evening.  It almost perfectly defines the current state of my heart.  I am sad.  I miss my Wesley.  The birth of my nephew has brought a fresh wave of grief as I am reminded of all that I have lost.  I didn't just lose my son.  I lost a part of myself.  The part that could've embraced this new life with nothing but pure joy and celebration.  The part of me that could hold a baby in my arms without holding grief in my heart.  I miss that part of me.  These two losses now play a role in defining who I am.  They cannot be regained.  Now it's just about learning to live with the new normal.  There is one loss, however, that I believe I can get back.  And I desperately want it back.  I miss my Jesus.  He's here, I'm sure.  My head can tell me that much.  It's my heart that's having trouble finding Him again.

For the First Time Again
Jason Gray

I'm tired of the sound of my own voice.
I'm weary of adding to the noise.
I'm fearful of missing the point of it all.
I remember the way you used to be.
The way this love felt like the first day of spring.
I want that back more than anything in the world.
It's as cold as winter in my veins. But, I long to feel the summer rain.
Can you take me back to where it all began?

Jesus I come.
I come to you again.
Like it was the first time I came to you for new life.
I need you now as much as I did then.
I need a new beginning.
So, Jesus I am coming for the first time again.

I'm jaded from all that I have seen.
I'm bitter, but I don't wanna be.
I'm believing.
Can you help my unbelief?
Sometimes I think I know too much.
But, even then it's not enough.
Can you take me back so I can move ahead?

Jesus I come.
I come to you again.
Like it was the first time I came to you for new life.
I need you now as much as I did then.
I need a new beginning.
So, Jesus I am coming for the first time again.
For the first time again.

Take me deep inside the grace that forgets instead of down the well-worn path of my regrets.
I'm older than I've ever been can you take me back can you make me new again?
I need you now as much as I did then.

Jesus I come.
I come to you again.
Like it was the first time I came to you for new life.
I need you now as much as I did then. I need a new beginning.
Jesus I am coming for the first time again.
For the first time again.
For the first time...

Last night C came out of my room carrying my book When God Doesn't Make Sense.  "What's it say Mommy?"  "It's about trusting God even when bad things happen."  "Oh, that's what we do?"  Yes, buddy, that's what we do.  I hope one day soon I find it to be just as simple as that.

There is a strike going on at our house. The picket lines have been drawn and I'm sure the catchy political signs are coming soon.

This picture is a little misleading because he is, in fact, sleeping in a bed.  It's not his, of course, but the extra mattress set up in his room for mom or dad during the transition to his big boy room.  Don't be fooled...it's main purpose these days is that of trampoline not bed.

Again, do not be fooled.  Mommy and Daddy were at work this night and Grandpa surely slipped him something before putting him to bed convinced C that the bed, in fact, was a nice place to sleep.

The morning after this he told me that he, "slept in a cage he made with his toys and books."

This was as far as I could get the door open for this picture.

That was close...my new obsession of peeking in on him and taking pictures was almost discovered!

By now I'm sure it's becoming clear who is on strike and what exactly he is on strike against.

The bedtime battle boy vs. bed rages on at our house.  It's clear who is winning, right?  His favorite spot has been claimed and each night he sets up camp next to his night light.

And his bed...

...and his trampoline long for the day when they will once again provide a good night's rest for one little boy.












I think they are both hoping that day arrives soon.  Because if it doesn't, it's back to storage for one and a possible appearance on Craigslist for another. ;)

Pumpkin Progression...

My sweet boy is growing up!

I find it interesting that as the boy gets bigger, the pumpkins get smaller. That must be because he picks them himself now. ;)

C & B Take on the Pumpkin Patch

I had been researching pumpkin patches here in Kansas for several weeks.  I wanted to find a place that had no admission fee.  Because who wants to pay $7 a person to get in and then pay for your pumpkins too!?!  It also had to have a hay ride..just because it's not a true pumpkin patch experience without one, right?  I decided that Powell Pumpkin Patch was the way to go and one morning last week the hubby had the day off.  So, we packed up C and his cousin B and took off.  I had to listen to my dear hubby grumble as we drove further and further into the country that "this better not be some shady pumpkin patch."  His fears subsided as we pulled up and saw other cars.  Because the presence of others is always a good sign.  It was free to get in...free for the hayride...and our two big pumpkins plus six minis only cost us $8!  And it was a real pumpkin patch...they were grown right there...not just a big pile of Wal-mart pumpkins dumped in the middle of a field.  This greatly impressed my husband.  :)  I don't think the kids would've cared one way or another.  They had a great time!  Just check out the proof...

C & B take on the pumpkin patch...

The sandbox was a big hit!

Racing through the hay maze.

Hayride!

Time to pick out our pumpkins.

C is excited!  I think B was too...you just can't tell because she is getting smooshed.

We found them!

Corn!!!

Running through the corn maze.

It was COLD!

And I was definitely wishing we could've dressed a little more like

THIS....

(last year's Mississippi pumpkin patch)

than THIS...

What a fun (and might I add frigid) first pumpkin patch experience we had here in Kansas!